If you’re here to judge instead of to understand, then what you’re about to read is not suitable for you. I just wanna be honest with myself. I suggest you to close the tab and find something better to do.
Ever since I actively posted my photos without hijab on my social media, people keep asking me “where’s your hijab?” or “did you take your hijab off?”. I rarely replied, except for the people that I consider close enough to me. I’ve been wearing hijab on and off for about 4 years now. It was all started because my mother forced me to and because I went to an Islamic school. At first I was just wearing hijab to school because it was an obligation, then I started wearing one outside school sometimes. During that process, never even once I felt holier than others. To be completely honest, I didn’t even feel anything other than a fabric wrapping my head.
I wasn’t raised as a religious child. Moving here and there would probably be one of the biggest cause. I was raised by an intelligent family, who taught me to sharpen my logic, to read and travel a lot, and to broaden my horizon. I am who I am today because I was raised that way. Until it all came down to a decision where my parents and I don’t see things eye to eye. I decided to take my hijab off. I honestly have been doing this in private for about a year or so. Living in a separate city with my parents makes it easier. I was hiding from them and from people in social media. I know how harsh people could throw comments at each other, I was just doing myself a favor.
Until one day I came to a realization that I’m tired of running and lying. This is something that I have been feeling for a long time. This isn’t some temporary feelings because I was tempted by some cute short-sleeve shirts or someone said that I look prettier without my hijab. I wasn’t comfortable wearing hijab. There were things that I couldn’t do freely when I’m wearing one. I started to publicly share my non-hijab photos and people were starting to ask questions, including my parents. I decided that I need to tell them, to make them understand that it’s my personal choice and I wasn’t under any pressure or influence. I am mature enough to decide for my own self. I just want to be true and honest with myself.
I realize that my relationship with God is no longer burdened by the thing that’s wrapping my head. It’s absolutely personal and no one can make me feel any closer than ever. I pray and do other spiritual activities because I want to and I personally feel the urge from inside of me to do so. It’s no longer “she’s wearing hijab so she must be religious” kind of thing. It’s a kind of feeling that you need to encounter by yourself. This is exactly why I don’t owe anyone any explanation. If you understand, then you understand. I just wish that anyone who are going through the same battle are tough enough to decide what’s best for them and will face all the hardships that will come within the journey. I wish you have people who won’t leave so you don’t feel all alone in this tough life-changing decision.
